Confusion&Something New

Confusion:


I don't know what to do with my life.


Well, I know what I want to do with my life. I'm just not doing it.

Up until the last week of August I felt that I was following God's good and perfect plan for my life. I was super sure that I was on the right track, doing what I loved and what God was calling me to.

100% concentrated fruit juice for sure.

Then I started thinking about all the homework that I was going to have come the first week of September and I started to get stressed out. I suddenly wasn't looking forward to school at all.
Right at this time I was talking with a friend and he was raving about how excited he was for school to start...
This was a little bit of a wake up call for me.

If I was really being called to this, to youth ministry, to CBC, to this perfectly planned life...

Then shouldn't I be excited to go back to school and continue on with that plan?


I began to revisit all the fears and concerns that I've had about persuing a degree in Youth Ministry: "how am I going to get through school without killing myself?" "How am I supposed to be a mother/wife as well as a youth pastor?" "How do I actually feel about women in church leadership?" "Am I actually passionate about full time ministry?"
All these questions boil down to one big question

What am I doing with my life?


I've been thinking through this one for the past month and I'm not sure how far I've really got; but I guess I've got somewhere

Something New:

I kind of want to be a piano teacher.

I love playing the piano. I love music. And I have no idea why I have not pursued it further!

This is my little step of action within the confusion: Piano lessons! I'm incredibly excited about this, and although I know that finishing Grade 12 Royal Conservatory is going to be a huge amount of work, I know that I can handle it... if I can imagine myself getting a BA in Youth Ministry then I'm sure I can finnish RCM.




This is turning into two posts, but I have more than a few thoughts that have been spinning around for a month that need to be pinned down.

Women in leadership... how do I actually feel about that? I've come to the conclusion that I do not have a problem with it in general... I just have a problem with ME being in church leadership. More to the point, I have a problem with me being a Youth Pastor. To put it really simply... I'd just much rather be a Youth Pastor's wife with a few kids and a cute house, teaching piano lessons.

It's not that I don't feel like I could do it, I basically am doing it right now anyway, I just don't feel like I should. I feel like there are other things in life that I could do much more effectively and love a lot more.
I've never been a feminist by any means, so me being drawn to this male dominated career path was weird to begin with... maybe I just knew that I had to get to CBC to find myself a husband ;)

Anyway, whatever has been going on for the past month has stressed me out beyond belief, and it's not exactly over yet.
I'm spending a lot of money on schooling so I can become a youth pastor, but even if I change my mind on that I still love CBC and I also still love youth work. Don't get me wrong I love my job. I love what I'm doing for Young Life; just maybe not forever.
So, I want to stay at CBC, I want to stay with Young Life, but I don't want to be a Youth Pastor?

See why I'm confused!

Just a Broken Heart

"Lost my brother today. I have no profound words, just a broken heart."

There is nothing you can say to that.
There is nothing for me to say that can do anything or change anything or help anything.

I can't comprehend not having him here, I can't think about not having him here without crying... so just think about what his family is feeling.

Just a broken heart. I can't even comprehend.

I can still hear his funny croaky voice, and I keep thinking of this one time where he was sitting across the table from me at dinner and we were just making jokes and laughing.

I think that was the last time I saw him.

I love knowing he's happier now then he ever could have been here.

I love knowing that. 

Did You Know...

That if we all unplugged our phone chargers from the wall when we aren't charging our phones that over 50,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions could be avoided. This is the equivalent of almost 500 football fields worth of forest every year. Incredible!

Guess who feels convicted to never leave her phone charger plugged in ever again? 

Being Vulnerable

Today I was thinking about the time that I got a flat tire on my road trip to Rossland.

It was probably the worst experience of my life. Ever.

I was in the middle of no where with no cell service (not that calling anyone would have really helped, it just adds to the drama.)
Anyway, the story goes on, and basically it was me on the side of the road never having changed a tire before in my life now changing a tire. And the worst part is that apparently I looked so capable that NO ONE stopped to offer help. Needless to say, I was incredibly disappointed in humanity for the rest of the day.
Anyway, I managed to get everything done myself and I didn't even cry. I wasn't exactly to the point where I was feeling proud of myself yet, I was still scared to death that the tire was just going to fly off in the middle of the highway. But I made it to the next town with cell service and tried calling my parents (both who did not answer their phones... typical.) and then I called my sister.

This is what I was thinking about today: As soon as I heard my sisters voice I started crying. All that pent up terror and frustration (mostly terror) from the past hour just came pouring out at the sound of a caring voice.

Weird right?

I think it must be like some kind of weird built in survival tactic; don't let yourself crack, don't be vulnerable in a scary situation because then you'll just die. For example; If I had seen that flat tire and just sat down to cry I might still be sitting there crying.
I had to shove all that emotion down because I couldn't deal with it at the moment, I had to be strong and get done what had to be done. And then, when I felt that I had someone who could care for me and make things better I let my guard down and burst into tears.

We're not going to let ourselves cry and put ourselves in that vulnerable state when we're trying to survive a scary situation. It just wouldn't really make sense!

Just an interesting thought... free of charge!

love&prayers

lovelovelove

Gungor's new album Ghosts Upon the Earth is AWESOME.

Honestly... I can't stop listening to it! My favourite track right now is "When Death Dies" it showcases their increeeeeddddiiible talent and just has this super different sound to it that makes me really stop and listen.  Awesomeness :D

love&prayers

Vespers.

I forgot how much I missed this. 

I hadn't been to Vespers at CBC yet this school year, and I wasn't actually planning on going at all this fall (during the summer I got hooked up with  a Young Adults group that meets tuesday nights) but today for some reason I just decided to skip out and head to Vespers.

What a good decision. 

I love standing in the front row singing so loud and not being able to hear myself.

I love standing totally still and NOT singing, letting everyone's voices wash over me.

I love that I am free to worship in my own way and not be judged. 

I love that I know the people leading, and that they're not just putting on a show.

I love being around people that I know well and seeing them worship with a passion I might not have expected. 

I love living in this community.

I encourage you to come try it out for yourself one night!! 9:00pm at Columbia! 

love&prayers

When disaster strikes...

I am thankful for the people around me. 


Yesterday I found out that a close family friend's leukemia  has relapsed for what seems like the 100th time. He's been fighting for 11 years and this time, like all the other times, it doesn't look good.
After hearing the news I sent out a text message to around 40 people asking them to pray for healing and a miracle...

Within seconds 10 people responded. Within minutes; 30.  


I am so incredibly thankful that I have this large group of people surrounding me that I can call on for prayer and know that they will step up to the plate.

One text I sent to a friend that has apparently changed her number; I got a reply saying "Who is this? I'll pray anyway though!"

I know I take this for granted all the time, and it's too bad that we often only notice what we have when we're in need, but I don't think that I realized to what extent I am blessed with strong mature Christian friends.

In this time of disaster when everything that's strong starts to shake I am so thankful for the people around me.

love&prayers

Kindness

I was the receiver of a random act of kindness today.

My sister gave me a coupon for a free scone at Cob's Bread. Yes, very kind of her but not deserving of a blog post. ;)
Being awesome poor college students Lauren and I decided to redeem the scone and share it, no money spent. How mennonite of us!

We walked into Cob's and were instantly enveloped by the amaaaazing aroma of fresh baked bread. To die for.
Better yet the woman at the counter greeted us and informed us that she would be with us in just one moment. She finished helping the costumer in front of us and then asked how she could help us. I noticed right away that there was this smile on her face that just didn't go away, she didn't look the way I'm sure I look while working retail, she didn't have "the customer smile" where it slides off your face the second they're not looking.
I handed her the coupon and she got my scone while making small talk about how amazing these pumpkin scones were (btw she was NOT lying, it was delish!) And then without a moments hesitation she took another scone and wrapped it up saying "It just wouldn't be fair to only give you one!"
Lauren and I expressed our surprise and then thanked her abundantly.

Made. My. Day.

After a stressful weekend where I'm sure I wasn't as nice as I could have been, it was a reminder of just what a small act of kindness to a stranger can do.
You might argue that she was just trying to advance her business (she did, I want to only buy bread at Cob's now) but with that smile on her face you know that she isn't thinking dollars and cents all day long.

Thank you Cob's Bread Lady for showing me kindness and teaching me a valuable lesson that is so easy to live out!
The Bible has lots to say on the topic of showing acts of kindness to others, I really like this verse: "Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38



What have you done this week that made someone smile?

love&prayers

On Moms

Last night my mom and I had an argument. It was heated, there were plenty of tears on my end and it really sucked. Like really.

I can't even remember now what it was that kicked it off (that's always how it goes isn't it?) But the basis of it was that I needed to borrow her car in the morning because mine is definitely not running. Things escalated from there.

The back story here is that this past weekend has been an incredibly stressful one. On top of me being already stressed due to school and work my car decided to break down for the too-many-th time and I'm buying a new one, having never purchased a car before I am stressed to the max.

My Dad took on the responsibility of checking out craigslist and calling people "They'll just take advantage of you" and I appreciate that too no end! My mom on the other hand was what I felt just distancing herself from the whole situation as much as she could, not helping me, offering support, or being happy for me when I did finally find a vehicle.

This is where the argument begins.

I'll leave the details up to your imagination but it ended with me in tears trying to express that I was stressed out and therefore probably a lot more rude than I thought I was and just wanting my Mom to save me from this sticky situation.

I desperately needed my mom to save me.

I came to the realization last night that I need my mom a lot more than I think I do and probably more than she thinks I do as well.
I'm hardly ever home anymore and that makes it harder for us to have conversations and just time for us to express our love for each other. When I was home all the time there were countless hours that we could just sit and talk (I wish that I would have made use of a few more of those hours now that I realize they have become few and far between).
I think that I'm fine and that I've got it all out when I talk to my friends or my sister but there's just something different about talking to your mom about something. Somehow it makes things better even if she doesn't give you any juicy tidbits of advice or anything.

I'm so thankful that I have a Mom who I can go to when I'm dying a little bit inside. There is no shoulder that is better for crying on, and no ear that is going to listen as sympathetically.

We don't always get along, we're not always going to get a long now, but last night taught me not to take  my mom for granted so much. Just because she's there and constantly ready to love me doesn't mean that she has to. And just because I'm busy and out of the house doesn't mean that I don't need my Mom. I need her now just as much as I did when I was 5 years old. Maybe not in the physical aspect, I can take care of myself. But emotionally I'll never not need my Mom.

She's my grounding.
She's the one I ask before I make big decisions.
She's always going to listen.
She's always going to challenge me.

She's always there for me.



Tell your mom that you appreciate her today.

love&prayers

Fall. I love you.

It's just something about the colours.

Or maybe it's the quiet and cool after all the summer fun.

Possibly has something to do with fashion. 

Whatever it is I look forward to it all year.

I get to fall and i sit down with my wool socks, my cardigans and scarves, a cup of tea, and i do my homework. There's just something about the picture that is so incredibly attractive. 

It just draws me in. 

Walking to class in the rain, the noise my windshield wipers make, watching kids get on the school bus, sitting undercover watching people share umbrellas (there's something incredibly cute about sharing an umbrella). 

It's the taste of that first pumpkin spice latte from Starbs.

The sound of the first crunchy leaf under your brand new pair of brown boots. 

The crisp smell in the air.

The first time you shiver when you step out your front door. 

All these things and so many more just make me love this time of year! 

love&prayers