Tired.

I've been going non-stop since June. There has not been a single day that I haven't had to think about Young Life, and there have been very few days that I haven't had to do something with Young Life. To make it even better, on those days that I haven't been thinking or doing Young Life, I've been thinking and doing school. 

I'm tired. 

Sometimes I just want someone to not try and encourage me through the tiredness, but to just sit with me and accept that I'm sad, that I'm not having fun anymore, that I sometimes feel pointless... to just sit with me and empathize. 

I do a lot of listening, I take a lot of people out for coffee and listen to everything they have to say, and I love it. I love love love listening to people and just being there when they need me. 

I love it so much that I wish someone would do that for me. 

I want some quiet time alone with someone who really cares for me, all of me, not just most of the pieces. I want some quiet time alone where I don't think about Young Life or school once, and I don't feel guilty about that. I want some quiet time with God, who I know really cares for me, all of me.

And I want quiet time alone where I can just play the piano for hours and hours and have no regrets for "wasting" that time. 

I don't want to be the one who has to have it all together anymore, I don't want to be the one who has to know the answer to everything. 

I'd like people to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I'm terrified because of it. I'm 18 years old, how am I supposed to shoulder the responsibility of a 30 something year old and not be completely crushed by that weight? 

I'm faking it and hoping that no one finds out... but at the same time, I really want everyone to find out. 

Chances are we are the same

Against the odds, against the grain
We lean, like gardens toward light.
We reach with all of our might
For such a noble aim
as love. 


Think about that for a minute... What a noble aim love really is. 
And this noble aim is what we are all constantly reaching for with all of our might. Our need for love is unquenchable. 
A thirst only deserts know best. 
A hurt so at home in our chests.
Call it stubbornness or bravery.
We were all created with this desire to love and be loved, and although the idea of what "love" is gets twisted into something ugly by our society real love is an incredibly beautiful thing. 
The love that God loved us with first is an incredibly beautiful thing.
And we are reaching for that kind of love, that kind that makes you glow from the inside out. Even if we don't recognize it, that is what we are all reaching for. And when you do recognize it, that all you need is a love that quenches that thirst that only deserts know best. What a beautiful thing to devote your life to. 


What a noble aim


is love. 

34 Verses of so much Wisdom.

Confession: When people post big long Bible passages as their status or in their notes I don't generally read the whole thing. I might even like the post, but not read the whole thing. Why would I do this? How long does it take to read a chapter? Or a verse, for that matter? And if someone is taking the time to post it, that means that they read it and got something huge out of it... so I quite possibly could as well, right? Reading scripture should be the most enjoyable part of my day, not something that I just skim over. 
It's kind of sad actually that I can read through some random dumb story of someone's life, or a status about nothing much, but when it's Bible I'll happily skip over it. 


If you read this then... I'm proud of you ;) And I hope you get as much or more from it as I have.  I go back to this chapter so often, and could go back to it even more. There is just SO MUCH there. 
This is The Message, which is my favourite version to read this particular passage in, the wording is just so good. 

Matthew 6

The World is not a Stage

 ¹ "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. ^2-4"When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

Pray with Simplicity

 ⁵"And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat? ⁶"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
 ^7-13"The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:

   Our Father in heaven,
   Reveal who you are.
   Set the world right;
   Do what's best— as above, so below.
   Keep us alive with three square meals.
   Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
   Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
   You're in charge!
   You can do anything you want!
   You're ablaze in beauty!
      Yes. Yes. Yes.
 ^14-15"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.
 ^16-18"When you practice some appetite-denying discipline to better concentrate on God, don't make a production out of it. It might turn you into a small-time celebrity but it won't make you a saint. If you 'go into training' inwardly, act normal outwardly. Shampoo and comb your hair, brush your teeth, wash your face. God doesn't require attention-getting devices. He won't overlook what you are doing; he'll reward you well.

A Life of God-Worship

 ^19-21"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being. ^22-23"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
 ²⁴"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.
 ^25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
 ^27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
 ^30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
 ³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Something Borrowed

So this seems really weird and kind of shallow to me... but I learnt something from this movie, Something Borrowed, that I watched last night.

Basically it's the story of this girl who falls in love with this guy in university and they're almost dating and then the best friend comes along and kinda steals the guy from her... but she just stands there and lets it happen, she even encourages it because she so badly doesn't want this guy to know how she feels about him because she's afraid of getting rejected and hurt. Because of that the guy thinks that she doesn't have feelings for him at all and he goes for the other girl because he's kind of heartbroken that this girl doesn't like him the way he thought she might have. While I was watching it I actually got so stressed out and sad... weeeeird.

Moral of the story: Let people know you love them.

Let people know you love them, because they might not know.

I take for granted all the time that people just know that I love them, that they would just obviously pick up on it. But the more that I think about it, the more I realize that there are a lot of people out there that most likely have no idea how I feel about them. What a shame that we go through life only living it halfway.

Let people know that you love them. 

By Your Side

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

More Than Just Education

We invest a lot into our post-secondary education. Money, a lot of money, and time. Countless hours are spent both in the classroom and out. There is so much pressure from society to get a good education, to put yourself through this money grab that probably takes ten years off your life in stress... why is that?

What are we so desperately striving for through our education? And what are we filling our minds with every single day? 

I'm not sure if I really thought about this too much when I decided to go to CBC, I'm not sure that I really knew that God was calling me there.... I just liked the sound of it. More than anything else I just wanted to say that I went to Bible College, it had a sort of prestigious sound to it for some reason. 

Despite that, I've since realized that I'm here for more than just society points, I've continued on this path because I can't picture myself anywhere else, and I am making a conscious decision to fill my mind with something greater every single day. 

I could be spending less money working toward a degree that actually assures me a job at the end of my 4 years and 40 thousand dollars, but instead I'm working toward something so much greater than a good income.

Sometimes I can't actually believe that I'm doing this.

This week was mid-term week, everyone is stressed way past the healthy point, and of course, when we get to that retardedly stressful point we tend to drop everything except the thing that is stressing us out.
As a Christian that usually means that we drop our spiritual life, our relationship with God... the one thing that we need the most, is the one thing that we toss aside.

In one of my classes, Philosophy of Youth Ministry, there is no mid-term, and in class this week our prof decided to step away from the curriculum a little for the day and talk about our core values, or non negotiable ideas on living life for Christ.

Rather than having us stress out about a mid-term, he reminded us to focus in on God.

Why would I go to any other school? Why would I submerse myself in any other kind of education? Why would I fill my mind with anything else?

I love this place.

Lauren.

She told me to write about how awesome she is:

LAUREN IS AWESOME I LOVE HER TO PIECES.