Tired.

I've been going non-stop since June. There has not been a single day that I haven't had to think about Young Life, and there have been very few days that I haven't had to do something with Young Life. To make it even better, on those days that I haven't been thinking or doing Young Life, I've been thinking and doing school. 

I'm tired. 

Sometimes I just want someone to not try and encourage me through the tiredness, but to just sit with me and accept that I'm sad, that I'm not having fun anymore, that I sometimes feel pointless... to just sit with me and empathize. 

I do a lot of listening, I take a lot of people out for coffee and listen to everything they have to say, and I love it. I love love love listening to people and just being there when they need me. 

I love it so much that I wish someone would do that for me. 

I want some quiet time alone with someone who really cares for me, all of me, not just most of the pieces. I want some quiet time alone where I don't think about Young Life or school once, and I don't feel guilty about that. I want some quiet time with God, who I know really cares for me, all of me.

And I want quiet time alone where I can just play the piano for hours and hours and have no regrets for "wasting" that time. 

I don't want to be the one who has to have it all together anymore, I don't want to be the one who has to know the answer to everything. 

I'd like people to realize that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I'm terrified because of it. I'm 18 years old, how am I supposed to shoulder the responsibility of a 30 something year old and not be completely crushed by that weight? 

I'm faking it and hoping that no one finds out... but at the same time, I really want everyone to find out.