Confusion&Something New

Confusion:


I don't know what to do with my life.


Well, I know what I want to do with my life. I'm just not doing it.

Up until the last week of August I felt that I was following God's good and perfect plan for my life. I was super sure that I was on the right track, doing what I loved and what God was calling me to.

100% concentrated fruit juice for sure.

Then I started thinking about all the homework that I was going to have come the first week of September and I started to get stressed out. I suddenly wasn't looking forward to school at all.
Right at this time I was talking with a friend and he was raving about how excited he was for school to start...
This was a little bit of a wake up call for me.

If I was really being called to this, to youth ministry, to CBC, to this perfectly planned life...

Then shouldn't I be excited to go back to school and continue on with that plan?


I began to revisit all the fears and concerns that I've had about persuing a degree in Youth Ministry: "how am I going to get through school without killing myself?" "How am I supposed to be a mother/wife as well as a youth pastor?" "How do I actually feel about women in church leadership?" "Am I actually passionate about full time ministry?"
All these questions boil down to one big question

What am I doing with my life?


I've been thinking through this one for the past month and I'm not sure how far I've really got; but I guess I've got somewhere

Something New:

I kind of want to be a piano teacher.

I love playing the piano. I love music. And I have no idea why I have not pursued it further!

This is my little step of action within the confusion: Piano lessons! I'm incredibly excited about this, and although I know that finishing Grade 12 Royal Conservatory is going to be a huge amount of work, I know that I can handle it... if I can imagine myself getting a BA in Youth Ministry then I'm sure I can finnish RCM.




This is turning into two posts, but I have more than a few thoughts that have been spinning around for a month that need to be pinned down.

Women in leadership... how do I actually feel about that? I've come to the conclusion that I do not have a problem with it in general... I just have a problem with ME being in church leadership. More to the point, I have a problem with me being a Youth Pastor. To put it really simply... I'd just much rather be a Youth Pastor's wife with a few kids and a cute house, teaching piano lessons.

It's not that I don't feel like I could do it, I basically am doing it right now anyway, I just don't feel like I should. I feel like there are other things in life that I could do much more effectively and love a lot more.
I've never been a feminist by any means, so me being drawn to this male dominated career path was weird to begin with... maybe I just knew that I had to get to CBC to find myself a husband ;)

Anyway, whatever has been going on for the past month has stressed me out beyond belief, and it's not exactly over yet.
I'm spending a lot of money on schooling so I can become a youth pastor, but even if I change my mind on that I still love CBC and I also still love youth work. Don't get me wrong I love my job. I love what I'm doing for Young Life; just maybe not forever.
So, I want to stay at CBC, I want to stay with Young Life, but I don't want to be a Youth Pastor?

See why I'm confused!

Just a Broken Heart

"Lost my brother today. I have no profound words, just a broken heart."

There is nothing you can say to that.
There is nothing for me to say that can do anything or change anything or help anything.

I can't comprehend not having him here, I can't think about not having him here without crying... so just think about what his family is feeling.

Just a broken heart. I can't even comprehend.

I can still hear his funny croaky voice, and I keep thinking of this one time where he was sitting across the table from me at dinner and we were just making jokes and laughing.

I think that was the last time I saw him.

I love knowing he's happier now then he ever could have been here.

I love knowing that. 

Did You Know...

That if we all unplugged our phone chargers from the wall when we aren't charging our phones that over 50,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions could be avoided. This is the equivalent of almost 500 football fields worth of forest every year. Incredible!

Guess who feels convicted to never leave her phone charger plugged in ever again? 

Being Vulnerable

Today I was thinking about the time that I got a flat tire on my road trip to Rossland.

It was probably the worst experience of my life. Ever.

I was in the middle of no where with no cell service (not that calling anyone would have really helped, it just adds to the drama.)
Anyway, the story goes on, and basically it was me on the side of the road never having changed a tire before in my life now changing a tire. And the worst part is that apparently I looked so capable that NO ONE stopped to offer help. Needless to say, I was incredibly disappointed in humanity for the rest of the day.
Anyway, I managed to get everything done myself and I didn't even cry. I wasn't exactly to the point where I was feeling proud of myself yet, I was still scared to death that the tire was just going to fly off in the middle of the highway. But I made it to the next town with cell service and tried calling my parents (both who did not answer their phones... typical.) and then I called my sister.

This is what I was thinking about today: As soon as I heard my sisters voice I started crying. All that pent up terror and frustration (mostly terror) from the past hour just came pouring out at the sound of a caring voice.

Weird right?

I think it must be like some kind of weird built in survival tactic; don't let yourself crack, don't be vulnerable in a scary situation because then you'll just die. For example; If I had seen that flat tire and just sat down to cry I might still be sitting there crying.
I had to shove all that emotion down because I couldn't deal with it at the moment, I had to be strong and get done what had to be done. And then, when I felt that I had someone who could care for me and make things better I let my guard down and burst into tears.

We're not going to let ourselves cry and put ourselves in that vulnerable state when we're trying to survive a scary situation. It just wouldn't really make sense!

Just an interesting thought... free of charge!

love&prayers

lovelovelove

Gungor's new album Ghosts Upon the Earth is AWESOME.

Honestly... I can't stop listening to it! My favourite track right now is "When Death Dies" it showcases their increeeeeddddiiible talent and just has this super different sound to it that makes me really stop and listen.  Awesomeness :D

love&prayers

Vespers.

I forgot how much I missed this. 

I hadn't been to Vespers at CBC yet this school year, and I wasn't actually planning on going at all this fall (during the summer I got hooked up with  a Young Adults group that meets tuesday nights) but today for some reason I just decided to skip out and head to Vespers.

What a good decision. 

I love standing in the front row singing so loud and not being able to hear myself.

I love standing totally still and NOT singing, letting everyone's voices wash over me.

I love that I am free to worship in my own way and not be judged. 

I love that I know the people leading, and that they're not just putting on a show.

I love being around people that I know well and seeing them worship with a passion I might not have expected. 

I love living in this community.

I encourage you to come try it out for yourself one night!! 9:00pm at Columbia! 

love&prayers

When disaster strikes...

I am thankful for the people around me. 


Yesterday I found out that a close family friend's leukemia  has relapsed for what seems like the 100th time. He's been fighting for 11 years and this time, like all the other times, it doesn't look good.
After hearing the news I sent out a text message to around 40 people asking them to pray for healing and a miracle...

Within seconds 10 people responded. Within minutes; 30.  


I am so incredibly thankful that I have this large group of people surrounding me that I can call on for prayer and know that they will step up to the plate.

One text I sent to a friend that has apparently changed her number; I got a reply saying "Who is this? I'll pray anyway though!"

I know I take this for granted all the time, and it's too bad that we often only notice what we have when we're in need, but I don't think that I realized to what extent I am blessed with strong mature Christian friends.

In this time of disaster when everything that's strong starts to shake I am so thankful for the people around me.

love&prayers